Shopping in Birmingham

Get rich in the poor economy

It's finally getting warmer! You know what that means? Nice dinners at outdoor restaurants, drinks in the beer garden, shopping for new, summery clothing and more.

Just one small problem... there's a recession going on.

And regardless of how much everyone wants us to be spending, it's pretty hard when our own financial stimulus packages amount to a mars bar wrapper and three five pence coins. Luckily Itchy's got some good ways to make a quick buck, without the trip to your local job centre. That way you can buck this sodding recession and indulge your (almost) every shopping whim, guilt free.

Complaint Charge

Why should psychiatrists be allowed to charge a hundred quid an hour for the same service you're expected to provide for free? Let 'em complain for as long as they want, think up a good spot of advice and then write up the bill. They'll probably think you're kidding but hold your ground. You might also consider starting up a stand on a street corner because a depression brings depressed people who can't afford a professional. If Charlie Brown can do it so can you ... but we'd suggest charging more than five cents.

Photo Fee

Shouldn't all those photos you take while you're bollocksed actually count for something? You know people love it when you post them up on Facebook. Sometimes people love it so much that they choose a particularly flattering one and make it their default profile picture. Well from now on, let them know they'll have to pay a licensing fee for that privilege. All photos can be copyrighted, therefore all friends can be fleeced.

Service Charge

With the recession looming, it's about time for your friends to start pitching in at your flat. If they want to come hang out that's fine - they are friends after all - but if they want to eat anything let them know you'll be charging. Most importantly, set a price for each square of toilet paper they use. Get them drunk or cook something extra, extra spicy if you're really looking to capitalize on that last suggestion.

Drunkard Duty

Sure, in the past when a friend got a bit too sloshed to handle themselves you would've gladly stepped in and lent a helping hand. But now we're in a recession, so if they want you holding their hair out of the toilet or making sure they sleep on their stomachs, they should be informed that they'll be incurring some charges. If you have to clean up vomit or get involved when they get a little too close to someone inappropriate, maximum charges apply.

Rental Rate

We all learned to share when we were kids, but in this economy, you tell 'em your library of stuff isn't free of charge anymore. They wouldn't be able to borrow that dress or that DVD from a store, so why should they get to borrow it from you for free? Flat fee or by the hour? You decide.

Courtesy cost

People always expect you to laugh at their jokes, tell them their new haircut looks good or that you like what they've done with those new decorative pillows in their flat. But where is all this flattery getting you financially? Nowhere... unless you start billing them for it. Base your rates on how much effort it takes to disguise your real reactions with the more complimentary ones. A bit like an escort service, but without the grisly pensioner sex.

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