West Midlands Safari Park

If you like traffic jams, this is the place for you. Expect eight miles of bumper-to-bumper action as you crawl through the park while malevolent monkeys tear the rubber-edging from your windscreen, and bored lions resolutely refuse to get off their fat arses to come anywhere near you. Still, you can always feed the queues of llamas (food handily on sale every 25 yards). Should the safari not suffice there's always the theme park at the end: guaranteed to make you spew. But it's far less nauseating than assessing the damage to your car afterwards.

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